Today is a day I choose to spend alone with my thoughts, memories, grief and pain. A day filled with memories of a life taken to soon, a life that I will never get to see of the things that may have been. A day that a piece of my heart was ripped out, a day that the pain that surfaces much more on this day. It has been seventeen years ago today that my eldest son (who will be forever my baby boy) was taken from me. This week has been a hard reminder of the pain of losing child has on the heart. Sunday in the park, I was asked to keep the daughter of one of our friends lifted in prayer. She had lost their baby. Wednesday I was asked to stay late at work and help cover for a little while, as much as I didn’t want to, I stayed. I was approached by one of nurses as I was cleaning the dinning room. She started to talk to me, then just broke and as she stood there crying she expressed how her heart was still breaking over the loss of her son, a son she lost a few years ago. When I arrived home that evening, I found out that a dear family had lost their loving four year old son on Monday. I get upset at times at the thought that no parent should out live their child. Angry that a beautiful life that was once given to you, suddenly taken away. No parent should endure the pain that comes from loosing a child, a pain that will rock you to the core and question all you believe in. But it is the same belief that I find myself holding on too all these years.
So, today as I sit here with my grief and tears in my eyes, I find that a lot of that grief and tears are for those who have also lost their child. My ache in my heart is a ache that I know they are feeling. I wish I could tell them all will be right again, but it won’t. There will be forever a piece of your heart that will be missing. They say time heals, but I think over time you just learn to deal with the pain and choose to celebrate your child’s life. There will be times when you think all is all right and you can move forward, then you will be hit out of the blue and the pain and grief will come rushing in. When this happens and it will, hold fast to the knowledge that your precious child is residing in a place glory. They are walking the streets of gold with the Almighty, they are singing songs of joy, their home is now a place where they are whole and there is no sorrow or pain.
As the years pass, each day I find myself thinking of my son, but today is a day I grieve and hurt the most. At the end of day no matter how many tears I shed or cry out for my son, it will not bring my son back to this world. I know my son lives in a place of glory now and I would never want him to endure the pain of this world again, but I miss him and long to be with him. So I push through the pain and remind myself that my faith and beliefs tell me that one day I will be reunited with him, one day I will see his beautiful face, I will feel his warm embrace and one day I will hear those words I long to hear….”Welcome home Mom.”
To all of those who are suffering right now. Know you are not alone. My love goes out to you, and you will forever be in my prayers.